You will see a lot of articles on relationship questions to ask before you get married, but really you want to ask some big questions before you commit to someone. When you commit to someone, you have told yourself that you are ready to be faithful and loyal to them, and that adds a new level of obligation to your relationship. That means that if you find out some deal breakers down the line, you may be too involved to leave. Shared expenses, pets, invested time, and fear to get back out in the dating world may all hold you back from breaking up, even though you think you should.
The following relationship questions need to be asked while you are dating, but they shouldn’t be asked until you start to get a sense that something more is happening with the two of you. If you ask too late, then you will already be committed and have a harder time getting out, but if you ask too early, you can scare away someone who is unsure of whether or not they want to be in a committed relationship with you – and, they could be someone perfect for you in every way.
Therefore, while there is no perfect time, ask the following relationship questions when you are starting to feel like more of a couple than two people just going out on dates and getting to know each other. These relationship questions will give you insight into the questions themselves, as well as insight into things you didn’t even ask. You will be surprised at what you can learn by asking a few simple questions.
1. Do You Think That You’ve Dated Enough?
Go to any relationship forum and you will hear tales of one partner realizing they did not date enough before they committed to the person they were with. This always leads to unhappiness and regret, and often leads to cheating. The truth is that if the person you are dating hasn’t had a lot of dates in their life, they may not have had the chance to get to know what they are really looking for in a long-term partner.
It’s not essential to date a bunch of people to figure out what you want. Some people have settled down with the first person they’ve dated and spent their life with them, but for most of us it takes a while to get to know ourselves, which means we really have no clue what type of person would satisfy us and meet our needs.
Don’t worry about turning someone off with this question. It is meant to be one of those thought-provoking relationship questions that can help them see past their lust or attraction and delve into the world of what commitment is all about and what they are really looking for in a relationship.
2. What Is Your Parents’ Relationship Like?
We learn what we see. Insight into someone’s parents’ relationship can give you a lot of insight into how they are going to act in the relationship, including how they will deal with conflict, how often you will spend time together, how much respect they will have for you, and a ton of other insights that are very important to the future of your relationship.
Some answers to watch out for include:
– Their relationship is just like everyone else’s – they fight a lot, but they love each other: That is a sign that fighting may appear to be an acceptable way of working through issues in the relationship, which means a lot of fighting could be in your future.
– They are two completely different people and don’t see eye-to-eye a lot: That is a sign that they’ve been exposed to an unhealthy relationship and may have adopted a lot of unhealthy relationship behaviors.
– My dad/mom spends a lot of time away from the house due to their job: That is a sign that they were not a personal witness to a healthy and close relationship.
3. What Is Your Life Purpose?
Someone who has a life purpose will understand the value of being an individual. This is really important in a committed relationship. While you are a couple who shares a life, you are still two people who are pursing your own individual happiness in life.
If someone you are dating has a strong life purpose, then there is a greater chance that they are going to recognize how valuable your individuality is and not be needy or dependent on you for their happiness. If you are dating someone who has no life purpose, then they are living day-by-day and may not have a firm grasp on what makes them truly happy and fulfilled in life, which means they may become dependent on you and your relationship fulfilling that lack.
Moreover, if they have a life purpose, and understand its value, this will also allow you to easily pursue the life you want and not have to worry about offending your partner because you are doing things a little differently than them or enjoying yourself in activities that have nothing to do with them.
4. How Do You Handle Money?
Financial problems are one of the top factors that lead to breakup and divorce, which means you better get clear on each other’s views towards money. Learning how someone manages their money, as well as how important it is in their life, will help you understand if you are a financial fit or if you may need to work through some kinks before you get into a committed relationship.
Their relationship with money is not something they can hide. If they are quick to spend money or are reckless with their money, then they may have a future of debt and financial issues. On the other hand, if they don’t care about money at all, then they may not be motivated to go after big career goals or secure themselves financially for their future, and you may find yourself living paycheck to paycheck. It’s important that they value money and have a plan for their future in terms of money.
Also, you don’t want someone too obsessed about money and pinching every penny. That will cause a lot of problems in the relationship too. If they are extremely concerned about money and put too much value on its contribution to their overall happiness in life, then that is a sign of future financial struggles with them.
5. Are You Dominant Or Submissive In The Bedroom?
This is one of those fun relationship questions, but it can give you some serious insight into how your relationship will be in terms of sex. The truth is that sexual incompatibility is a huge reason that relationships can’t last the test of time.
I like this question because most of us lean more towards the submissive or dominant side in the bedroom, and if you enjoy being submissive in the bedroom, then finding someone who is dominant will help you satisfy your needs, and vice-versa. This question will also open the door to a discussion about what you are looking for sexually in a relationship, which is not something that many people talk about before committing, but the insight is valuable.
If you ask for complete honesty, you will learn how often they want to have sex and what kind of sex life they are really looking for. Keep in mind that you may find yourself completely turned off afterwards. For instance, if the person you are dating wants to have threesomes and is into sadomasochism, and you only want to be with one person and have no desire to take part in acts involved in sadomasochism, then the chances are good you will not want to commit to that.
It may feel uncomfortable to talk about this, but if you don’t ask this question then, in the beginning, all acts of sex will be pleasurable because you will have a ton of pleasure hormones running through your body. But, eventually, you and your partner are going to need to be satisfied in the way that you crave to be satisfied, and if you are not willing to do that for each other, then you will either look for it somewhere else, suffer in silence, or end the relationship.
6. How Important Is Honesty To You?
This is one of the most important relationship questions you can ask. Honesty is the foundation of any committed relationship. Being honest with each other will ensure that you will stay happy now and in the future. You won’t have to find out about the secrets they have been harboring and then have to deal with the pain and mistrust that follows finding out.
Asking how important honesty is to them is one of those relationship questions that may not result in an honest answer. Many people will try to tell you what they think you want to hear, or what they think is socially acceptable. That’s why you have to read their body language. It will give you some insight into how they really feel about honesty.
To do this, get a baseline for what the person you are dating looks like when they are telling the truth. Despite what some people believe, there is not a one-size-fits-all for what honesty or dishonesty looks like. For instance, some people believe that you are lying when you touch your face, but I know a guy who touches his face when he is talking about something that makes him even slightly nervous, such as what type of food he likes to eat.
Therefore, when you get a chance to ask some questions that you already know the truth about, pay attention to how your date holds themselves, gestures, and uses their facial expressions. You may also want to ask them a question that make them feel embarrassed first, such as the sex question. This will give you an idea of what they look like when they feel embarrassed. Then, when you ask them the relationship question about how important honesty is to them, notice if there are any changes in their overall body language that show they feel uncomfortable.
While signs of lying can be different in everyone, there are some things to watch for.
– Heavier breathing
– Limited or exaggerated body movements
– Too many details to justify what they are saying
– Touching their mouth
– Covering their mouth
– Touching any part of their face repeatedly
– Limited or exaggerated eye contact
You may also just feel that something is off. Trust your instinct if you feel uneasy or as if they are not being totally honest. You may want to ask them to be sincere because it is important to you, and then make them feel safe to open up and tell you the truth and see if that changes their answer at all.
7. Kids Or No Kids?
This used to be something that was a no-brainier. Everyone was expected to have kids, but things have changed. Both men and women are choosing not to have kids for a variety of reasons, and you need to know what the person you are dating thinks because the chances are good that their opinion is not going to change if it differs from yours.
In fact, if it does differ from yours, and you hold on to the notion that they may change their mind in the future, you are setting yourself up for years of waiting, hoping, stressing out, and worrying. Why bother? Find out if they are on the same page as you – and if not, look for someone who is.
8. Marriage Or No Marriage?
Again, marriage used to be standard, but now not everyone needs or wants to get married. If they don’t want to get married, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be in a committed relationship. They just don’t want to have the wedding, get the papers, and buy the ring.
Keep in mind that if you are not someone who wants to get married, and the person you are dating is, they are not likely to accept not being married down the line. People who want to get married have some deep settled beliefs about why. They may be religious beliefs or beliefs about upholding traditions, and those beliefs are hard to get rid of. They may suppress them for a while, but eventually they will be disappointed when marriage doesn’t actually happen. I’m not saying that will always be the case, but it is something to think about.
9. What Are Your Bad Habits?
We all have habits in our life, and while change is completely possible, some of our bad habits are often the hardest to break. That means that you will likely be faced with some of their bad habits long after you commit to them.
Considering that most of us try to hide our bad habits, this may be a hard one to get out of them. But, because the commitment isn’t there yet, they may be willing to spill the beans on some things that they don’t know are deal-breakers for you, such as gambling, drug addiction, or watching too much TV.
Just remember this – if you ask them what their bad habits are, and you commit to them afterwards, then you have entered the relationship knowing full well about those things. You can’t nitpick those already established habits later on. If you took them as is, then you have to accept them as is.
As a side note, you will also hear about their good habits because they will want to balance out their bad. This will give you insight into how they live their daily life because habits determine how we do that. And, you will be able to visualize yourself with them more easily so that you can figure out if you really want to commit.
10. What Are Your Closest Relationships Like?
To get insight into how the person you are dating already acts in their loving relationships, this is one of the important relationship questions to ask. You will get a lot of insight that will help you decide if committing to them is going to be worth it.
For instance, if they talk about their loved ones rudely or give away some of their secrets, then you may want to question how they will talk about you and whether or not they will keep your secrets. Alternatively, if they speak kindly of them and talk about the time they spend together fondly, then you will have a clearer vision of how they are going to talk about you and treat you in a committed relationship.