You’ve separated and divorce seems like the next step, but does it have to be? For many people, the following tips on how to stop divorce after separation are going to be extremely useful, especially if there are has been some distance for a little while.
When you have some distance between you and your spouse, emotions start to calm down and a new perspective is possible from both of your ends. This is the time to re-frame what your marriage is all about and how you interact in it. When your spouse decides that a divorce is what they want, with no exceptions, it will be much harder to convince them that your marriage is savable.
1. Choose Your Words Carefully
When there is a separation, each word becomes much more important. When you speak to your spouse, they will be listening, carefully, as they try to work through how they feel about you and your future together. This means that you have to choose your words carefully. If you are quick to blame, judge, or play the victim role, then you are going to verify that divorce is a viable option. But, if you can convince your spouse that you are someone who will benefit their life, then they are much more likely to see you in a positive light – and see you in their future.
Despite what you may believe, apologizing is not the answer. During the marriage there were likely many apologies, and they have lost the amount of value they used to have. In other words, your spouse may see an apology as nothing more than the start of another problem.
Moreover, telling your spouse that you need them will not encourage them to come back either. Telling them that you need them in your life is a very selfish stance on why you should get back together. At this point, they are far beyond doing things for you. They are looking after themselves and their needs, and just because you need them, doesn’t mean they have to come back to you.
In short, don’t use words that blame, judge, or make you look like you are thinking all about yourself. Choose words that show acceptance, patience, love, and understanding.
2. See Their Side Of Things
Now that you have some space, you can stop defending and protecting yourself and take some time to see things from their point of view. This is very important! If you keep butting heads on what is wrong in the marriage, then you are never going to validate your spouses’ issues. You have to be willing to step back, see what you did wrong, and understand how your partner feels.
This will require you to realize that you are not perfect. I know, that’s hard to do. But, once you admit your faults, you can get clearer on how to stop divorce talk in its tracks by letting your spouse know you understand what you did wrong and come to an agreement about why the separation occurred.
Doing this will also help you keep calm and empathize with your spouse when you are talking to them, which will help you reconnect in a way that could lead to reconciliation. So, make sure you put aside your pride and take ownership for your part of the problem.
3. Be Willing To Change
The ‘you’ that is looking for answers on how to stop divorce after separation needs to change. You may not need to change your entire life around, but you do need to change things about yourself that contributed to the separation. If you are not willing to change, then I can guarantee that your marriage will not change either, even if you do get back together.
You don’t want to compromise your happiness and health, though. There should be certain things that you won’t change, such as going after your dreams and healthy hobbies that you make you feel good. If your spouse wants you to stop doing things that help you grow and become a better person, then you may want to rethink the marriage altogether.
However, there are some things that you may be doing in your life that is affecting you and your spouse’s negativity and should be changed. You have to be willing to make your spouse a priority over things that are negotiable.
For instance, if you have an addiction, and it contributed to your separation, then you should be willing to work on overcoming the addiction for yourself and your marriage. No addiction will make you happier than being in a healthy and happy marriage! In addition, if you are going out every weekend with your friends and not spending any time with your spouse, then you need to be willing to compromise and find more balance in your marriage.
4. Don’t Be Even A Little Bit Needy
Neediness is going to turn your spouse off. If they are currently not in the mood to be around you or in a relationship with you, then stalking them, begging them, bugging them, and asking about them too many questions is just going to push them further away. Remember, their mindset is focused on separation and moving further apart, not being together everyday. If they wanted to be around you all the time, they would still be with you!
Neediness is not a normal state to live in, so if you feel needy, you need to work on your self-confidence and start being alright with being by yourself. That means you have to start to like yourself more, enjoy quality time with YOU, and get busy focusing on your life and your happiness. This doesn’t mean that you forget about your spouse. It just means that you value your own life and put effort towards it so that ‘you’ become enough for you.
As a side note – this is how you should be in your marriage too. You are two people who come together and share your lives, but you are still two separate people. You have to focus on your own happiness and fulfillment in order to offer happiness and fulfillment to your spouse. Otherwise, you are all take and no give.
5. Don’t Move Quickly
Because you are making changes, you are going to affect your relationship with your spouse in some way. Even if they have not changed at all, your spouse will notice the changes in you and interact with you differently. You won’t have that same annoying, blaming, frustrating, needy aura about you, and they will start to see you as they once did in the marriage.
If you want, you can ask your spouse if they would like to get together and do something. You may also find that your spouse reaches out to you to get together. Or, you can just leave things as they are and wait to see what happens. Whatever you decide to do, don’t force things to move too quickly. If you do, then you may find yourself ignoring what caused the separation in the first place and getting back into the same marriage you were in before, which will eventually cause you to be right back where you started.
If you have done the work above, then you probably won’t feel the need to move too quickly anyway. You will understand that it took a while for you to get to a place of unhappiness and will take a while to work through it. Enjoy your spouse’s company, but don’t move back in and pretend like nothing happened.
6. Keep A Level Of Connection Around
Just because you are not moving quickly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to maintain a connection that goes beyond strangers. For instance, if your mother goes into the hospital, then you will want to let your spouse know just as you would if you were living together. By including them in your personal life, when appropriate, you will help to maintain the marital connection and bond that you two have.
If you don’t let your spouse in on the major things that happen in your life, then they will feel like someone who used to be important in your life, but who no longer is. That will cause them to bundle up and protect themselves from feeling rejected by you, which will push them further away.
7. Get Counseling
If you decide that you want to work on getting back together, suggest counseling. Why? A counselor can give you the tools you need to communicate and relate differently to each other. If you don’t change the way you do those things, then you will end up doing exactly what you did before. And that didn’t work out too well for you, did it?
If your spouse is reluctant, then let them know that you want to learn how to relate better to them, and that requires you get some new insights from someone who understands how to help you. If you make it more about you than them, then they may be willing to try it out.
Make sure that you pick someone who you both feel comfortable with. If one of you like the counselor and the other one feels as if the counselor is playing favorites, then you are introducing new negative feelings into the marriage that will further push you apart. This means you may need to go to a few different counselors and ‘try them out’ before you settle. But, it will be worth it.
8. Work Through The Things That Matter Most To You
Take the time to work through the things that really matter to you. These are the things that caused you to start to view your partner in a negative way and think about divorce in the first place. It doesn’t matter how small or big they are, you need to address them if you want to get them out of the way and move on with a clearer mind and happier marriage.
This is going to require a lot of talking and work. With the tools and insight you get from your counselor, you should be able to do it. Remember, though, that if you attack their character too much, then it doesn’t matter how many tools you have in your pocket, they will start to feel defensive and resentful, which will lead to a whole new set of problems that you will have to tackle in the future.
In other words, pick your battles. Some things you may just need to shift your perspective on rather than work through. For instance, if your spouse has a different way of approaching a game you play, then you may just want to let them do it their way and accept it as a part of them.
9. Develop Good Habits Together
Habits are at the center of everything, even your marriage. The way you go through your day depends on your habits. They automate your day so that you don’t have to continually focus on what you need to do and stress yourself out. When you implement good habits into your marriage, you will find that your relationship becomes better and more exciting naturally.
Good habits include:
– Spending quality time with each other.
– Being patient and kind with each other.
– Taking the time to listen without distractions when your spouse has a problem or wants to talk.
– Surprising each other once in a while with something nice.
– Doing things that purposely fill each other’s needs in the marriage.
– Making a date night where you do something new each week.
– Fixing issues instead of skimming over them.
Implement new relationship habits that make sense to you and your spouse. You will find that your habits turn your marriage into something more powerful and exciting.
10. Develop Good Personal Habits
Lastly, a great tip on how to stop divorce at any time in your marriage is to develop good personal habits. Your relationship habits are very important to your relationship’s health, but your personal habits will have an influence too. Your habits affect how you view yourself, and they can make you happier, more confident, and more fun to be around, which will definitely benefit your marriage.
Therefore, develop positive habits towards your goals, health, hobbies, spirituality, and even your mission in life. Your spouse will be proud to call you their spouse when they see how you are constantly becoming more of who you can be.