If you are in a marriage where the sex has disappeared, you may feel like you are facing a marital problem that other people don’t seem to have. But, the fact is that people don’t openly talk about the lack of sex in their marriage, so it’s really hard to tell how happy other people are with their sex life. Psychologists estimate that millions of couples are currently in a marriage where sex is no longer a big part. In fact, they think that up to 20 percent of married couples are in one. A sexless marriage can be a marriage with no sex at all, but, in definition, it means that sex is occurring less than 10 times a year. So, if you are averaging once every month and a half or so, then you are in a sexless marriage.
A sexless marriage does not necessarily mean a bad marriage. As long as both people in the marriage agree that they don’t want or need sex, for whatever reason, the marriage can be happy. But, when the lack of sex is an issue for at least one person in the marriage, it can be devastating to its health and happiness. Anger, jealousy, frustration, depression and other negative emotions about the lack of sex can leak into other aspects of the marriage and demolish trust, communication, and overall satisfaction. And, if someone feels they need sex, but can’t get it from their spouse, they may look elsewhere.
How A Sexless Marriage Develops
Chances are when you got married, you had sex a lot. If you didn’t, then it is important to talk to a professional to find out what is holding you back from engaging in the intimate relationship that you deserve. Maybe it’s fear or lack of confidence, but that needs to be worked through to give your marriage a chance at building a healthy sex life.
For most people, though, a sexless marriage developed over time. The marriage started out hot and heavy and then sex became less of a priority and other things, like sleep, kids, or work, became more of a priority. There are some stages that every sexless marriage goes through.
The first stage is realizing that your sex life has started to dwindle. You can clearly see that you are not having sex very often, you want to have sex, and you express your concern to your spouse – possibly withholding all the details. You try to discuss the issue, look for a solution, and agree upon some plan of action that will help you get sex back into your marriage. Then, you try to take action on that plan for a few days, or maybe even a few weeks, but, eventually, you fall back into a relationship where sex is limited.
The second stage is realizing that despite your desire to get more sex in your marriage, you are not succeeding. All your plans to create a more intimate marriage have crashed and burned, even though you would still like to fix the issue on some level. You may have even become too comfortable with the lack of sex, and you may feel like you can fix it ‘tomorrow’ instead of today, but ‘tomorrow’ never comes. This is a long phase that can last years and years. You have the ability to fix the intimate part of your marriage, but for whatever reason you and your spouse keep putting it off and off and off, and you are essentially leaving it as a low priority task on your to-do list. But, if you don’t fix the problem in this phase, then you will move into the next phase.
The last stage is where major problems are happening in the marriage because of the lack of sex. You may experience an affair in the marriage. You may start to argue more. You may start to view your spouse as a roommate more than you do a lover. You may not even be willing to work on fixing the marriage at this point because you have just given up. This isn’t necessarily the end of your relationship, but if you don’t take the time to really address the issues in your marriage and make fixing them your priority, then your marriage will end up broken.
Why Are You Really In A Sexless Marriage?
It’s important to look past the sex and figure out what is the root cause of your sexless marriage. It’s not just about sex. It’s about something else that is holding you or your spouse back from having the intimacy that you want, and once you figure out what it is and find a solution for it, you will have a much easier time fixing the problem.
Women and men often have very different reasons for not wanting sex in the marriage. This is not a hard and fast rule, but knowing the general reasons may give you some indication as to why you are in a sexless marriage if you can’t see why right now. This is especially true if your spouse is the one who is limiting sex in the marriage.
For a man, the reasons generally look like this:
– Spouse does not have the type of sex that he wants to have
– Spouse doesn’t enjoy sex with him or puts him down during sex
– He doesn’t have any attraction towards spouse anymore because of change in appearance or attitude or something else
– He is experiencing erectile dysfunction and doesn’t want to admit it to his spouse
– He no longer wants to be in the marriage
– He is dealing with depression or some other mental issue that is sucking out the desire for intimacy
– He is dealing with a physical issue that is affecting his desire for sex
– He is getting his physical needs met elsewhere
For a woman, the reasons may not be that different than above for the man, with the exception of the erectile dysfunction. However, there are other reasons that a woman may be avoiding sex in the marriage, including:
– Her spouse is more about the act of sex than the connection that sex brings
– She does not want to engage in the type of acts that her husband wants to engage in
– She is feeling unattractive after a weight gain or body change and she feels too uncomfortable to have sex
– She is holding on to feelings of anger or frustration with her spouse, and she is too upset and doesn’t want to engage in an intimate act with him
– Her spouse does not give her an orgasm and she doesn’t enjoy sex because of that
– Her spouse doesn’t give her an orgasm and she doesn’t want to disappoint him
– Her spouse doesn’t make her feel good emotionally in the relationship
As said, these are just general reasons that a couple may not be having sex in the marriage, but they are common reasons. And, they are definitely a place to start from towards fixing your marriage and getting it back on track. Most people believe that the lack of sex is their fault, but as you can see that is not always the case.
An important thing to note is that if you or your spouse cannot come up with a real reason why, then you need to head to the doctor. Certain physical disorders can limit the desire to have sex or impact sex in some way, and you may be dealing with something you don’t even know you have.
What To Do To Fix Your Sexless Marriage
It’s time to get serious about your marriage. You need to make it a priority in your life, above your work, kids, friends, or family. Well, you don’t, but if you don’t, then you are going to end up in a divorce and have the rest of your life affected negatively anyway.
The strength of your marriage determines your strength in other areas of life. For example, if you are feeling bad about a sexless marriage, then your confidence is going to take a hit, which will affect your work and other relationships.
Moreover, if you are feeling stressed out about your marriage, then everything in your life, including your health, is going to suffer in one way or the other. In other words, it is very important that you make your marriage a priority and do what you need to do to fix it. Following are some things you need to do starting today.
1. Make Communication Ultra Important
You need to develop the belief that communication is the most important thing you can do from this point forward, and then do everything in your power to open the lines of communication. Communication is going to give you insight into what is really happening in the marriage and what you need to do to fix it. You simply can’t fix what you are not willing to talk about with your spouse, and you especially can’t fix what you are not willing to hear from your spouse, which means you need to be willing to listen, not just talk.
Try not to be defensive when you hear certain things from your spouse, because they are important to fixing your marriage. You may hear cold hard truths, such as you are not satisfying them in the bedroom. That’s going to hurt, but if you don’t know that, then you can’t do anything to change it. The good news is that you can change it once you know, and you can eventually change their opinion as well.
If you can’t open the lines of communication, then you need to get help to do so. There is no way around it. If you don’t know how to communicate with each other in a way that helps you fix your sexless marriage, then you need to learn how, which means you need to reach outside of the marriage. If you don’t, then you will grow even further apart and your marriage will end up in divorce.
Moreover, if your communication is getting you nowhere, then you need to get help. Professionals can help you discover new ways to relate to each other, not just to talk to each other, and that is what you need. You need to develop new habits and rituals in your marriage in order to have a different relationship, so a therapist can help you do that. This may be with a marriage counselor or even a sex therapist. It’s totally dependent on your situation and what your core issues for not having sex are.
2. Be Willing To Change And Compromise
We all want things to go our way in relationships, but the fact is there is more than one person in the marriage, and we have to be willing to acknowledge that. This means that you may need to make some changes in your life in order to relate to your spouse better and start doing things that they need you do.
For instance, if you are a man, and your spouse is a woman who doesn’t feel like you are emotionally connecting with her, then you have to change how you relate to her in and out of the bedroom. You have to do things that help her feel emotionally connected, which means you can keep doing what you are doing if you are not making her feel emotionally connected right now!
Moreover, you may need to compromise. If you don’t agree on certain things, and you are not willing to sacrifice certain things in your life, then you have to find a compromise with your spouse so that they can be happy and you can be happy. Letting your spouse have their way when you are not totally accepting of it is just going to cause more problems in the future.
If you are not willing to compromise, then you might as well be single. That’s the only situation where you can do what you want, say what you want, and act how you want without affecting another person.
3. Stay Committed To Your Marriage
Lastly, you have to be committed to the marriage. You can’t just do a few things right now and then forget about working on your marriage from now on. You have to do things for the rest of your marriage to make sure your needs are being met and your partner’s needs are being met. If you don’t, then you may find yourself in a sexless marriage for a whole new set of reasons and have to start all over again. It’s much easier to constantly work on your marriage and tackle things when they come.
The good news is that once you get used to tackling the hard things, you will be much more comfortable doing it. This is because the rewards and benefits of facing hard things head on will be your motivator to keep going. Knowing that only good can come from facing hard things and doing what you need to do will keep you moving forward with your marriage no matter what problems arise.