Have you ever found yourself complaining about a family member or friend? I’m willing to bet that you have! While it would be great if we could love unconditionally, there are a lot of things that make it hard to do so. At times we may feel completely disconnected from the people we thought we loved the most, and at some points the relationship may make us so unhappy that it can be tempting to end the relationship. If you are currently looking at someone and thinking, ‘Loving you is getting hard!’ then this article will give you some insight into what to do now.
Option 1: Breaking Up For Good With Someone You Love
Some people are opposed to this. Some people think that you should put up with someone you love, such as a family member or longtime friend, and just find a way to deal with them. If you can do that, then go for it!
But, people change. We all know that. And some people that we used to get along with great can turn into people who conflict with our lives in a big way. They may become more critical or have opposing views. They may make us feel bad. Or, they may stay the same as we change into someone new.
For example, a friend of mine had a very close friend who was very negative. When they met, my friend was also negative, so their relationship worked well. But as my friend started to develop a more optimistic attitude about life, the negativity started to become draining to her. The friend she once loved so much started to become someone she dreaded seeing and talking to.
In her case, breaking up with her friend was the only option for her. She couldn’t maintain the type of attitude she wanted to around her friend, and she didn’t want to see her anymore. Basically, there was no friendship there anymore. And, once she let go of her friend, that negativity that was affecting her life in a huge way was also gone, and her life instantly become much happier, which allowed her to go after more things she wanted.
So breaking up with people can be a good thing. It’s not easy to be patient with someone who goes against your ethics or beliefs in life. Moreover, when you have grown too far apart from someone, it’s hard to have the type of relationship that is actually beneficial to you, so why bother?
Other reasons when ‘loving you’ becomes too hard:
– They become critical of everything you do.
– They become dramatic about their life and drain your energy with their drama.
– They are so focused on themselves that they never talk about you.
– They are selfish in every aspect of your relationship.
– They manipulate you.
– They are rude, condensing, and just plain mean to you.
– They don’t trust you or have broken your trust one too many times.
– They are talking about you negatively behind your back.
– They try to bring you down and keep you from going after the things you want.
All of these are good enough reasons to break up with someone you love for good. If you have tried to work on these things and can’t take them anymore, then removing a person you love from your life may be the best thing for you. Why spend your time putting up with someone who mistreats you? There are so many better things you could be doing with your life.
How To Break Up For Good With A Loved One
If you decide that ‘loving you IS too hard’, then a breakup is the answer. But, you can’t just make a break for it and never talk to them again. That’s not fair to them, and the chances are good that they will harass you to find out why you stopped talking to them in the first place. Unless you have tried to tell someone that you no longer want them in their life, don’t just play the silent treatment game until they go away. Instead, do the following 4 things.
1. Distance yourself from them. Stop visiting and talking so much. Let them know – through your actions, that something is wrong with your relationship, because, you would be surprised at how many people don’t realize that anything is wrong – even if you have told them repeatedly. Some people are just too stuck in their own world to grasp that their relationship is going south.
2. Let them know you want a break from them. This will help you disconnect from them even further. They will probably want to know why, so tell them that you need a break from their controlling ways, negative attitude, or whatever else is bothering you. At this point, they may break up with you, which will be easier on you. But, in most cases, they will try to salvage the relationship by talking about how they don’t want to lose you. Stay strong. If you know that they are a negative part of your life, and things are not changing, then you need to move on for your own health and happiness.
3. Let them know it’s over. After a few weeks, contact them and let them know that you have decided the relationship is too detrimental to your life and you have decided to move on. You can say it in a nice way, such as “Loving you is not working for my life anymore and I need to let you go from it.” Make it very clear, without giving signs of hope that you may change your mind in the future. This will go over as any breakup would. They will either get really upset or turn on their heels and walk away. Either way, you have to deal with it. If they want to know why, explain it to them again.
4. Don’t contact them. It’s much like a breakup with an intimate partner at this point. Don’t contact them to give them hope that you are going to get back together. Instead, get busy with your life. Appreciate the relationship you once had with them, but look forward to the new relationships that will serve your life much better where you are now.
What If They Won’t Let Go?
Sometimes not contacting them is not enough to keep them away. Sometimes they will want to take revenge out on you for not doing what they thought you should do with the relationship or just get plain crazy. This is when you have to get serious about keeping your distance.
Don’t get into a fight with them. Don’t acknowledge their behavior. You have already told them that you don’t want to be in their life anymore, and if you acknowledge them then you are getting back into their life. Instead, wait it out to see if they will just give up and move on with their life.
Don’t give in to their pleas either. One poll found that 45% of people got back into a relationship with a friend or family member after trying to get them out of their life and it ended up being exactly the same as it was in the first place! This meant that they had to do the breaking up part all over again. While you may miss their presence in your life, you are likely missing their old self, not the person they have become.
Lastly, if they are threatening you, then report it. They need to know that you have a choice over who is in your life, and if they are going to be inappropriate with you, then you are going to take action against them.
Option 2: Breaking Up Until They Change
If you have ever witnessed an intervention, you have heard the bottom line letter where someone tells their addicted love one that they can no longer be a part of their life if they continue on with their bad behavior. If you find yourself saying, ‘Loving you is getting hard’ because they are doing something bad in their life, then moving on may be the only option you have to show them that you can’t tolerate their behavior anymore.
If you stay in someone’s life, even though you know they are hurting themselves, then you are essentially telling them that what they are doing is alright with you. You are supporting their behavior and their destruction, and that is not a very loving thing to do for someone.
This doesn’t just apply to drug addicts. A friend of mine has a brother who is in an abusive relationship, and she will no longer support him by pretending that everything is alright. She no longer visits their home or spends time with them during the holidays. She no longer listens to him whine and complain about the relationship. She has flat out told him that until he gets out of the relationship (his wife is the abuser) that she cannot support him. It’s too hard to love him and watch him destroy his life with this woman.
The bottom line is that you have a choice who you have in your life. If someone’s behavior is affecting you in a negative way, and they are not willing to change their behavior, then it’s your right to let them know that you can’t have them in your life until they change. They need to understand what you will and will not put up with.
But, you have to actually remove them from your life! If you simply limit them in some way, then you are sending the message that you will continue to accept them for who they are, and they will not feel any need to change.
Option 3: Keeping Them In Your Life
If you are not willing or able to put someone out of your life, and loving them is getting very hard, then you only have one option. Accept them for who they are. Accept that they are doing the best with what they have and it’s alright that they are not living the same life as you. Following are some tips to help you accept them and love them without affecting your life negatively.
1. Don’t Judge Them
I can’t remember where I heard it, but the quote ‘loving you means loving all of you’ comes to mind here. You will be amazed at how much anger, annoyance, or dislike will disappear when you stop judging someone. When you judge, you are labeling someone as wrong according to what you believe to be right, so it goes without saying that you are going to be feeling negative emotions towards them. If you validate what they are doing, then you are telling yourself that the way you are living is wrong.
Instead of judging other people, live with the mantra ‘live and let live’. Let other people go through life how they want to go through life and accept that it may work for them, even if it would never work for you. The world is not as black and white as it seems from your eyes. There is a lot of room for what is the right or wrong way to tackle things.
2. Stay Present
Longing for what someone used to be will intensify the feelings of dislike you have for them now. It’s important to stay in the present moment and see the person for who they are now, not who they were when you first met.
People change. Sometimes is small ways and sometimes in big ways. People grow happier or bitterer. People grow more intelligent or get more stuck in their mindset. Change happens, and accepting the person for who they are now will help you avoid bitter feelings for who they used to be.
3. See The Self-Judgement In Disguise
I have an uncle who hates his brother because he is so negative. He will not visit him anymore and hates talking to him because he feels that he is a jerk. What my uncle doesn’t realize is that he is one of the most negative people on the planet! He is exactly like his brother, and what he hates in his brother is likely something he hates in himself.
I find this to be true in my life too. If I am critical of someone else, it usually means that I am critical of something in myself too. For instance, if someone works out too much, I may feel like I work out too little. If someone laughs too much, I may feel like I don’t laugh enough.
It’s important to take an honest look at the judgments you make and how they reflect on your judgments about yourself. You may find that you actually don’t dislike the person as much as you dislike yourself. And a simple shift in how you view yourself can help you accept the other person more.