January 12, 2016

11 Signs Of Self-Pity And 7 Steps To Overcome It

Not sure if you are living in a state of self-pity? It’s time to get honest with yourself! When you can be honest, you can become aware of how self-pity can really drag you down in life, and you will be more likely to try and overcome it.

The truth is that self-pity is addictive. It’s like a drug, and soon you barely even notice that you are playing the game of self-pity. In fact, it may make you feel good about yourself at times, especially when it allows you to get attention as well as sympathy from yourself and from other people.

If you choose to live in a constant state of self-pity, then there are some things that will happen. Following are 11 of them.

1. You Struggle With Everything

If you living in a state of self-pity, you will struggle with health, relationships, and finances. You will always be stuck in a negative place where negative things happen because you do not see things as they are and have the confidence to do something about it. Your focus is too set on unhappiness and problems, and that narrow focus will not give you the answers you need to overcome anything.

2. People See You As Pathetic

A lot of experts say that self-pity is a method for gaining attention. When you are sick, hurt, or upset, other people will feel bad for you and pay attention to you. Once in a while, that is fine, but when you are stuck in a state of self-pity, people are going to start to view you as constantly pathetic. They will feel obligated to say something and pat you on the head, and soon even the most sincere complaints from you will be met with an internal eye roll. In other words, it’s a great way to make people view you as a pathetic person who constantly needs reassurance in life, and that’s a great way to make yourself seem not strong or capable of anything.

3. Every Validation Sends You Further Down The Rabbit Hole

Self-pity gets you more of the same. Every time someone confirms your misery, you see yourself as more of a victim. It’s like a vicious cycle. You look for sympathy because you feel so horrible, you get it, and then you feel worse about yourself so you go out and look for more sympathy.

Self-pity will also make sure that all your worst nightmares come true. Almost every prediction you make when you are feeling sorry for yourself will come true. Yes, today will suck. Yes, that date will go bad. Yes, the meeting will be horrible. Your self-pity will take care of it for you, so don’t worry.

4. Your Reality Is Distorted

When you live in a state of self-pity, you look at things through a warped lens. You will see your life as horrible, even when it is not that bad. You will complain about how bad you have it in front of people who actually have it really bad! Not only does it give you the perception that your life is worse off than it really is, it also helps you to tick off people and lose relationships that are beneficial to your life.

5. You Feel Depressed

When you take life and yourself so seriously, it will all be overwhelming and depressing at some point. How many times can you tell yourself how bad life is before you become depressed about your life? Depression is a horrible state to be in. It drains your energy, takes you away from the experiences and people you love, and leaves you feeling sick and unhappy.

6. You Don’t Want It To End

Even when you can see that your life is not full of misfortunes, you will still choose to view your life as a disappoint that deserves your pity. You will always choose the more depressing, unfortunate, and suffering state to focus on because it is an addictive way to live. You become addicted to seeing the worst, thinking the worst, imagining the worst, and sometimes even wanting the worst.

7. You’re Unattractive To Others

Self-pity looks ugly on everyone. It will keep you single if you are single, and it could make you single if you are currently in a relationship. It is one of the most unattractive looks that someone can wear, and no one will put up with it in an intimate way for long – unless they enjoy being around someone who is in a constant state of needless suffering.

8. You Feel Like You’re In A Cage With A Mirror

Living in a state of self-pity is like locking yourself up in a cage with only a mirror. You can’t escape it. Your cries reverberate off the wall. You are constantly focused on yourself. You see the worst in yourself, and even if there are other people around, the mirror is what demands your attention. You can’t look away. You wouldn’t even notice if someone opened the door for you so that you could escape. You are too busy being self-absorbed in a world that you have created.

9. You Feel Like You Have No Potential

If you have any dreams or ambition in life, your self-pity will squash it in one way or another. Your unhappy perception of your life will ensure that you chase any ounce of succeeding away. You may stop yourself before you start. You may talk yourself out of it while you are working towards something you want. You may even sabotage yourself in some way. Whatever you do, you won’t reach your potential, ever.

10. You Don’t Have Fun In Life

Life is meant to be fun. Not every day is going to be awesome, but most days will be if you are living in a state of high self-esteem. When you take life too seriously, you can’t see the humor in situations. You can’t laugh at yourself. You can’t enjoy the moment. That’s a sad state to live in because in every moment there is so much fun to be had.

11. You’ve Become The Living Dead

Look at every point above and ask yourself how much of a life you have when you are living in a state of self-pity. You will see that it is not much of a life at all. You are walking around going through the motions, but you are not really living. There’s no excitement. There’s no fun. There’s only the state of despair and worry, which is not a life at all.

7 Steps To Overcome Self-Pity

You can see how self-pity literally drains everything from you and your life. I hope that if you are feeling any sense of pity for yourself, you are starting to grasp how important it is to overcome it.

Some people have lived in a state of self-pity for so long that they don’t feel there is any other way to live. When they were younger, they learned the methods that would give them the power and control they needed to help them get what they wanted, and self-pity may have been one of them. It’ was all about stomping the feet, throwing a tantrum, and getting what you wanted, and when you are older, and could feel things more powerfully, it was still about all of those things, but also about feeling horrible about yourself because you can’t live a self-sustaining life.

Whether you have been living in the state for a long time or not, there are some things you need to do to overcome self-pity and get on with taking charge of your life.

Step 1: Recognize That You Have A Choice

Whatever thought you are having, you have the choice to have another thought. For instance, if you are blaming someone else for what has happened to you, then you have the choice to blame yourself instead. You also have the choice to blame no one and see what happened as unavoidable. You also have a choice to see what happened as an opportunity for growth. There are many ways to view what happened, and which way you view it all boils down to your choice.

Step 2: Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain

Allowing yourself to feel the self-pity will be something new, even if you think you are doing it right now. Chances are you could be confusing anger or hate with self-pity. You need to let your regrets or despair seep into your consciousness. You need to take it all in! Experts say that you cannot resolve what you don’t fully acknowledge, so you need to acknowledge the pity that you are feeling.

This step is really about getting in touch with your authentic self. Acknowledge what has hurt you, why you feel down about yourself, or why you feel disappointed, regretful, or unlucky. Admit where things went wrong and where things didn’t go wrong at all. Get in touch with the real you that is behind your thoughts, and allow yourself to give yourself the comfort that you need. Be your own best friend and give yourself an internal hug.

Step 3: Get The Desire For More Control In Your Life

Do you want others to dictate how you feel, or do you want to decide how you are going to feel no matter what is happening? Do you want to feel down when bad things happen, or do you want to get back on your feet and work on making things better? You need to get the desire to have more control in your life or you will never stop going over your troubles and focusing on the things that make you unhappy. In other words, if you don’t have the desire, then you’re not going to do the work.

Step 4: Commit To Not Bragging About The Bad (Even To Yourself)

When you are looking for pity, you will tell other people about how bad things are. You will talk about how sick you feel and how bad you have it, and then you will wait for them to feel sorry for you. When you are looking for self-pity, you do the same thing. You tell yourself how sick you are and how bad you have it and then wait for your thoughts and feelings to match up to the story you are telling yourself.

It’s time to stop the story. Commit to not telling the sad story to others or yourself anymore.

Step 5: Do Something

Pick something that you are unhappy with about your life and do something. It doesn’t have to be big, but it does have to be something! For instance, if you are feeling bad about how a friend treats you, then today is the day to speak up to them instead of complaining about how bad they treat you. Tell them how you feel. Don’t let them treat you bad anymore. Stand up for yourself! Do something that helps you feel better about your relationship with them and you will find yourself feeling less self-pity and more strength.

Step 6: Notice The Good Things In Your Life

Now that you are doing something towards your problems, you should be able to see many of the good things in life that you couldn’t see before. Maybe you can see your strength or choices. Maybe you can see your freedom or loved ones. Maybe you can see how good you have it compared to many other people in this world. I don’t know what you are going to see, but you will see some good things.

It’s recommended to keep a gratitude journal at this time. When you start writing down everything that you are grateful for, you begin to see how many great things there are in your life. As you ponder your list, you will start to feel less like your life is a misfortunate state of affairs and more like it is a place where love, goodness, and fun is abundant.

Step 7: Give To Others

One of the best ways to step out of the self is to give to others. When you start to work towards making other people’s lives better, you stop focusing on what you don’t have or what has gone wrong, and you start focusing on the power you have to make this world a better place. The way to overcome self-pity is to give without expectation. Give selflessly. The self-confidence and self-worth that comes from doing this will empower you to see things in a much more positive light.

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