You’ve probably heard a lot of talk about limiting beliefs and how they hold you back from doing the things you want the most. Most people have a lot of limiting beliefs that affect their career, health, and current relationships negatively. But when it comes to single people who are looking for love, having their lives affected negatively in an understatement. Because our relationships affect every area of our lives, it’s important to get rid of the limiting beliefs that hold us back from finding the perfect person or having a great relationship.
I see a lot of common limiting beliefs on Twitter and Facebook. I see them in the comment sections on popular dating blogs. I even hear them from my friends and their friends. And, it seems like they are getting stronger and stronger and making it really hard for single people to find real love.
If you are single and want to find real love – the kind that makes you happy for the rest of your life – then you need to delete, discard, and replace any of the following limiting beliefs that apply to you.
1. Dating Is Scary
This is a false belief that limits you from getting yourself out there as much as you should. It limits you from enjoying the dating period in your life. It could even limit you from spotting the one person who would really be a good match for you.
For instance, a friend of mine held the limiting belief that dating was scary for years. There was a guy who liked her at work, but because she held so much fear towards dating and everything that comes with it, such as moving out of your comfort zone and the possibility of being rejected, she wasn’t even aware that he liked her. Her awareness wouldn’t let her see good potential matches because her limiting belief was holding her back. When she developed a new belief about dating, she instantly realized he liked her and she went out with him. They have been together ever since!
A better belief is that dating is fun and educational. It gives you the opportunity to go out, meet a ton of people, do things you might never do otherwise, and learn more about yourself and what you want out of life and out of a partner for life.
2. A Few Big Red Flags Isn’t A Bad Thing
Many single people meet someone, see a lot of good things about them, then see one or two really big red flags. Unfortunately, most of these people have the limiting belief that one or two red flags doesn’t really matter. This is one of the many limiting beliefs that many single people, who get stuck in a bad relationship after bad relationship, buy into.
Why is it a limiting belief? It holds you back from waiting for someone better (it limits potential good matches) and causes you to get into a bad relationship.
Red flags come into your consciousness for a reason. They are a signal that something about this person is not right and you may not enjoy being with them in the future. If you ignore these red flags with limiting beliefs such as ‘There is something wrong with everyone!’ or ‘Maybe it will not be an issue in the future!’, then you are setting yourself up for failure.
For instance, if you have been cheated on before, and your date flirts with someone else right in front of you, then you may outweigh this negative action with all the good things he or she has done. Because, after all, a few red flags isn’t a bad thing, right? But, there is a really good chance that if he or she can flirt with other people in front of you, they will do much more when they are not in front of you.
The point is that if they give off some really big warning signs that unhappiness is in your future, then pay attention to them. Develop the belief that it is better to admit the issues that will cause your relationship to become unhappy than to just wait and see if things don’t manifest badly.
3. I Have To Find Someone Before (Fill In The Blank)
One of the worst limiting beliefs I’ve ever seen is the belief that you need to find someone before you reach a certain age, reach a certain milestone, or reach anything else in life.
My best friend’s sister had this limiting belief. She thought she had to get married before the age of 35 or she would never have the kids and the life she wanted. This caused her to become desperate, and when the biggest jerk any of us have ever met came into her life and told her what she wanted to hear, she got married to him in less than five months. She spent the next ten years in hell. Yes, she did have three kids, but she was unhappier than she had ever been in her life. She was abused physically and mentally. Her kids were abused. She lived on his schedule and had to get rid of all her friends and family. And her health quickly declined. That’s what the belief that you have to find someone before a certain period of life can do.
I understand that it can be hard to wait to find that perfect person, but the wait is worth it. It can save you from years of mental and physical pain that makes life not worth living.
At least when you’re single, you can engage in activities that make you happy. When you’re in an unhappy relationship, where you have to compromise or give yourself completely over to the other person, life can feel unbearable because you have no positive outlets.
Moreover, someone who is really a good match for you may come along into your life and there will be nothing you can do about it unless you choose to leave the person you settled with. And that’s harder than it sounds after you get tied up into their life in a big way.
Developing the belief that you will find the perfect person when you were meant to find them is a much better belief. It will help you avoid settling and keep you open to the right person for you when they come along.
Have faith. Have patience. And remind yourself of the benefits of being single and happy over being in a relationship and miserable.
4. There Are No Good People Out There
I hear this all the time. A lot of single people have become bitter in dating and view potential people as ‘bad’ before they even get to know them. This limiting belief keeps you from seeing the true potential in someone because you create labels for them before they even get to show you who they are. And it can be detrimental to finding true love.
For instance, one of my friends runs a popular dating blog, and he recently had a single man in his sixties take over his blog’s comments with negative statements such as ‘All women are evil!’ and ‘All women will use you for your money!’ This man also shared how upsetting his life has been when it comes to dating and how lonely and unhappy he was. This limiting belief that there were no good women out there was holding him back from actually finding a good woman because all he saw in women – any woman – was an evil, money-hungry being. How could you ever get into a good relationship with that viewpoint?
The bottom line is that there are some really bad people out there, but there is also plenty of good people. And, if you remove the limiting belief that tells you that everyone is bad and out to get you, then you can stop labeling people before they get a chance to show you who they really are.
5. I Need To Please My Parents, Friends, Family, Pastor, Etc.
You are going to be the one with this person for the rest of your life. You will probably share finances. You may get married. You might have kids. And you WILL make a lot of big decisions together that will affect your own personal happiness and health in life. Therefore, don’t pick someone based on what your parents, friends, or family want. Pick someone based on what you want.
The limiting belief that you must pick someone that pleases everyone else will always hold you back from true love. Everyone else doesn’t have the same mindset, desires, beliefs, or interests that you have, so they can’t know what type of man or woman is best for you. Only you know whether someone pleases you and matches up with what you want out of a lifetime partner. So, look for that, and don’t settle for less!
6. What They Do When They’re Single Determines How They Will Be In A Relationship
This is one of those limiting beliefs that hold people back from having really good relationships with good people. Too many people are judging their new partners based on their time being single and then applying it to their relationship.
The fact is that what we do when we are single doesn’t always determine what we will do when we are in a relationship.
For instance, I recently talked to a guy who told me that his current girlfriend was perfect. She was smart, funny, and made him feel amazing. But, she had recently confessed that a few months before meeting him, she had slept with a guy who was 20 years older than her. He couldn’t move past this. “How could she do this? Why would she do this?” These questions kept him busy coming up with all sorts of stories, the worse being that she was a slut. And that brought about a lot of fear about their relationship.
It was hard for him to see, but it was just his limiting belief about the past being a predictor of the future that was making him miserable. I could understand if she had cheated on every boyfriend she had been with, but she had simply slept with someone when she was single. It seemed to be an experience she needed to have.
All experiences come into our lives to teach us something. She must have needed to learn something from that experience. In fact, she had said that after she slept with that older man she realized that she did not want to settle for someone that didn’t make her happy anymore, and not long after that she met this guy and fell in love.
What people do when they are single is based on a different mentality than they have when they are in a relationship. Desperation. Ignorance. Loneliness. All of these things can cause someone to do something that is out of their character.
7. I Can Change People
No, you can’t. This is a limiting belief that will cause you to settle and get into unhealthy relationships.
If you see some things that you don’t like about someone, but believe that you will be the person who is able to change those things, then you are setting yourself up for failure. People don’t change because you want them to or because you tell them to. They change because they want to.
And a lot of people don’t want to change! They have become who they are with a lot of influence and practice, and it’s not that easy to quit bad habits or become someone completely different than they are now. It requires a lot of personal reflection and growth to do that, and your influence is not going to be enough to cause that.
I had one friend who met a guy while he was smoking crack. She believed that her positive influence would help him quit crack, so she started dating him and before she knew it, she was stuck in a relationship where he was stealing money from her, lying to her, and spending nights out with his friends and not calling her. She cried herself to sleep more often than not, and she was miserable for years as she held on to the belief that she would eventually change him. It wasn’t until she understood the fact that you can’t change people that she was able to leave him behind and let him be who he wanted to be.
This is a lesson you don’t have to learn the hard way. You know that nobody could change you, no matter how good their intentions were. So, believe the same about other people and you will stop trying to do it. Then, you can find someone who is a good match and accept them for who they are. You can even accept some of their annoying habits or beliefs knowing that you can’t change them. And that will help you have a happy and healthy relationship with them.